| My Favorite Jokes | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Subject: At the Pearly Gates Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- Subject: First Date It's the spring of 1961 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, So why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or to the drive-in. Carrie's father responds, "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just about makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- Subject: Holy Tee Time Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green. The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball.It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits alittle stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad...He's such a show off" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------- Subject: The first time A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." >be on the alert for these new computer viruses: > > Lorena Bobbit Virus > - turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy > > Woody Allen Virus > - bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card > > Tonya Harding Virus > - turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons > > Paul Revere Virus > - warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\ > > Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus > - instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg > > Ollie North Virus > - plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files > > Joey Buttafuaco Virus > - only attacks minor files > > Michael Jackson Virus > - preys on child processes > > Ronald Reagan Virus > - saves your data, but forgets where it's stored > > Jane Fonda Virus > - attacks your hard drive's FAT > > Oprah Winfrey virus > - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly > expands to 300MB > > AT&T Virus > - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are > getting. > > MCI Virus > - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for > the AT&T virus > > Politically Correct Virus > - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an > "electronic microorganism." > > Ross Perot Virus > - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole > darn thing quits > > Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus > - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back > > Government Economist Virus > - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is > fine > > Federal Bureaucrat Virus > - does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most > important part of your computer > > Adam and Eve Virus > - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer > > Congressional Virus #1 > - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message > appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem > > Congressional Virus #2 > - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't > allow the user to accomplish anything > > Airline Virus > - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore > > Freudian Virus > - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. >Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive > > PBS Virus > - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money > > Jimmy Hoffa Virus > - Your programs can never be found again > > LAPD Virus > - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and > erases them in "self-defense." > > O.J. Virus > - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of > your files and vows to find the virus that did it. > >_ > > >A 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bed >room. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two >of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds >enthusiastically, the 7-year-old says, "When we go down stairs for >breakfast this morning, I'll say "hell" and you say "ass." The 4- >year-old happily agrees. > >As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their >Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for >breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have >some Cheerios." > >"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacts quickly. > >The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner >voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like >for breakfast?" > >"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass >it's not gonna be Cheerios!." > | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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